Dating Miss Write

Into The Abyss?

While yesterday's post was partly inspired by Hilary Duff's new ABC Family movie, it was also inspired by my recent experiences with disappearing men. I never heard from The Recent Brit after he got back from his trip, so I texted him yesterday and just asked how it was. He chose to ignore.

There was another guy a few weeks ago from Match.com who suddenly started emailing me and responding in a very timely manner. Then he gave me his ph#, texted me all weekend and kept saying how interested he was in meeting up. So we set a date. Then he canceled b/c he had to work late, but asked me to text him to let him know I got the cancellation email and also asked when we could reschedule. We texted a few more times to try to find a convenient date and then he, too, vanished. 

Whether these guys met someone else, decided they weren't interested in taking me out (again), had a death in the family, were busy at work--whatever excuse they might have--why does simply vanishing seem like a better solution than telling the truth? I wasn't counting on either one of these guys being my husband, but I thought they were both nice, we had a lot in common, and had fun hanging out (Brit) and chatting (Match). I'm pretty positive I didn't do anything to send either one running for the hills. So why the disrespectful endings? 

It sets up a bit of a vicious cycle with me. I'm constantly expecting guys to disappear and any contact I have with them to be my last. Hard to open up, be myself, let walls down or start a r'ship with those grim expectations.

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Where Are The Men?

The longer I'm single (and involuntarily celibate) in NYC, the more impossible it seems to meet ANY single guys--never mind single guys I want to spend a majority of my time with. (Not to mention, that feeling would have to be mutual, which makes it even tougher to find.) 

I made the perhaps unwise decision over the weekend to watch the ABC Family/Hilary Duff movie "Beauty and the Briefcase" this weekend. As most chicklit/chick flicks do, it revolved around a magazine writer who can't find a date. That part? Pretty realistic. The rest of the movie? Not so much.

She suddenly gets an assignment from Cosmo to infiltrate the world of finance (ie. "men in suits") and find a date that way. Once she gets a job (by submitting a made-up resume and lying about having any knowledge of money matters), she is asked out on a daily basis and, of course, falls in love w/ her boss at the end. Didn't I already read this when it was called "Confessions of a Shopaholic?" 

Sometimes I do daydream about ditching my career and "infiltrating" one that's male dominated. Not that I'd be so unrealistic as to assume I'd fall in love w/ my boss and live happily ever after, but being surrounded by men would have to be beneficial in some way! (As opposed to being surrounded by women with virtually no straight men in sight, which is how it was in my female-dominated major in college, grad school and now career). I mean, I think I probably have the worst understanding of how the male mind works due to just never EVER being around any! But, unfortunately, I'm not a character in a best-selling novel or ABC Family movie and would likely be unable to hack it in finance.

Since I won't be employed at a hedge fund anytime soon, how do you suggest I get out of my female-dominated world and meet some men? (ANY men--not just to date!)

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Creepy Freaks and Deceptive Geeks

About a month ago (maybe more?), Chemistry.com had a free weekend. I participated. Got through all the steps w/ one dude, who seemed a little dorky, but very interested. We emailed a few times off the site, and then I sorta dropped the ball. 

A few days ago, he got back in touch and apologized for "taking a while to get back to me." Pretty slick. We both know very well I'm the one who didn't get back to him (I know he knows this b/c he has gmail, so he has all our correspondences in one place). Anyway, noble effort. So I responded.

He asked if we could get a drink--or if he could bring a bottle of wine over. Huh? I'm not letting a random Chemistry.com dude in my apt. No matter how dorky he looks. So I wrote back and said we could do drinks--when was he thinking would be a good time?

Here's his reply:

Let's do tomorrow night? do you have dvds we could watch ... do you like to cuddle too?

Grossness. Needless to say, he's not getting a reply. What is wrong w/ people?

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UPDATE: I didn't reply, but he emailed again, asking if he could come over Friday night w/ a bottle of wine. I just wrote back, "No thx." No need to lecture him on how creepy he is. As I've said before, fixing the "creepy" will only screw over ladies who come into contact with him in the future, since he'd then know to mask the creep factor. 

Anyway, here's the weirdo email I got back from him in response to my 'no thx': "I'm very sensual :) yay!!" 

Again, thank goodness for crazies who show the crazy right up front!

A For Effort

Last Thursday, I went on a set-up date. I wasn't in a rush to blog about it b/c, frankly, I had nothing to say.

My sister's friend gave my number to a buddy of her new bf. He's 40. I try not to discriminate, but that seems a lot older than me. He called quite a while after I gave her permission to relay my digits. We spoke on the phone. Pretty fine. We went out for drinks/apps. He picked the place. He paid. 

And that's about all I have to tell. It was nothing horrible, nothing great. I had no desire to kiss him, nor do I think I ever will. I appreciate her thinking of me--esp since it's so rare to get set-up these days now that everyone is married with mostly married friends. 

He said he wanted to call me/go out again. I said ok. But I haven't heard from him and it's been over a week. Pretty happy about that. 

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Mind Your Own Beeswax!

It was a beautiful day on Sunday. I was visiting my parents, and my mom and I took my dog to the park. As I walked around the loop, we came upon a cute little old couple sitting on a bench. 

"Hey, wanna sell me your dog?" said the man.

"Haha, nope! She's my baby!" I replied.

"Aw, c'mon. I really need a dog just like her!" 

"Sorry," I said. "I'm sure she'll be happy to say hi to you, though." 

I let the couple pet her for a bit, and then went on my way. Later on, I was sitting on a bench w/ my mom and the same couple walked by.

"She won't sell me her dog!" the old man said to my mom.

I told him this was the dog's grandma, and she wouldn't want me to sell her either. He then asked my mom:

"Don't you have any REAL grandchildren?" 

"I do," said my mom. "But this is my granddog."

Then the man who I previously thought was cute and innocent looked at me and said, "Well, what are you waiting for?! Make your mother happy and give her some grandchildren!!" 

Uh, excuuuuuse me?! I'm actually waiting for some sperm. Want to lend me yours? 

I didn't say that (obvs) but--WTF! Rudeness.

A similar thing happened the other day at a work event. A woman asked me if I had any kids, and I said nope, but I have a puppy. An older lady who overheard the conversation turned to me and said, "well, are you planning on having any soon? Isn't that a requirement for promotion at your job?" 

Again, WTF! You don't know me, you don't know my situation, and requiring a woman to have a child in order to get promoted is illegal. 

I actually said to her, "Well, I'm not in a relationship, so, no, I won't be having kids anytime soon. And I hope it's not a requirement for promotion!" I was mad at myself that I even gave her any kind of non-sarcastic response.

Honestly, what is wrong with people? I understand randoms asking about having kids after two people get married (even though that's rude too)--but if you know nothing about me at all, including my relationship status—why do you feel it's okay to ask about my babymaking plans?!?

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And I Ask Again...

WTF is wrong with people?!?!

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Shiny New Start?

Ironically, the same night I ran into the bloody Brit, I was asked out on a date by a different (hopefully kinder) Brit. We went out last night and had a pretty lovely time. I'm reluctant to spill all the deets b/c of my stellar ability to jinx all that seems good, but I'm hopeful that I'll hear from him and (fingers crossed) see him again. 

If I don't, I won't die. I'm used to one-date wonders. But I found a lucky penny (heads up) in the washing machine yesterday afternoon before our date, so I'd like to think that was an indication of positive things to come. (Or maybe it was just a congratulatory reward for finally doing some laundry! Time will tell!) 

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O. M. F. G.

OMFG

OMFG

OMFG

You will never ever in a million years guess who I just bumped into--literally bumped, face-to-face into--on the street while walking my dog. I can't even believe it happened and I was there!

THE BRIT!!!!!!

Seriously bugging out at the moment.

I guess he's back in NY. I was just on my way back from a long walk w/ my dog, it's dark out, lots of people around b/c the weather is beautiful. As we're about to cross the street, I see a tall redhead walking towards us--my exact type, so of course I'm going to take a closer look. And then I see him more clearly. OMFG.

He was with two women--one who looked our age and an older looking woman (who was walking in between him and the girl). We came face to face and he said, "hi." Very nonchalant. I, completely stunned, said, "hello!" And he shuffled past me, kept walking, and never looked back! Wow. What a dick.

Of course, I stood on the street corner for a good minute, totally frozen, b/c I couldn't believe what had just happened. (Still kinda can't.) And then I managed to make my way home and call my sister and text a bunch of people who would understand the extent of my flipping out.

I'm actually surprised at how calm I am in comparison to how I THOUGHT I'd react if I ever saw him again. There was a guy I dated in college and after we broke up, any time I'd see him, my heart would drop into my stomach and I'd get nauseous. There was no doubt in my mind that's the response I would have to seeing The Brit again. But there was no heart dropping. I was very calm, just stunned. And the fact that he was a dick to me at the end of our r'ship, never responded when I attempted to make contact after our r'ship and fully walked past me without even looking back tonight makes it clear he's a dick and makes me glad that my heart doesn't flutter for him anymore.

Still, I'm sad. Now it's officially official that the one guy I thought I had an actual r'ship with (albeit a short one) and actually treated me lovingly during that r'ship, is just a dick like the rest of them.

He couldn't even say, "how are you?" He just kept walking. Horrible. 

P.S. He gained weight. He still looked good, tho.

In Da Club

Well, not so much "in" da club as "near" da club. It was bound to happen. I ran into Vegas on the street Sunday, between the club and my apartment building. It actually wasn't awkward at all--in part b/c, in response to his bday email last month, I wrote back and said something like, "I'm sure I'll run into you by the club now that the weather is nicer, and we'll catch up." And that's exactly what happened.

He greeted me with a hug, told me I looked good, asked what I've been up to, said hello to my puppy, and that was basically it. Totally harmless. He left with a request: "Don't be a stranger!" 

Well, apparently I'm no longer a stranger, since I ran into him AGAIN on my way to work this morning. His comment? "Twice in one week--what are the odds?" Well, I feel like the odds will get better and better now that the weather is nice and everyone is out and about. So, good thing I kept it on cordial fadeaway terms. 

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Quick Question

WTF is wrong with people? 

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The Year of the Blogger?

Next month, I will have been writing this blog for THREE years--and my only pseudo relationships (and I emphasize "psuedo") have been The Brit ('07) and The Foreigner ('08). 2009 sucked royally for me, but I'm wondering if (hoping that!) 2010 will be a good year.  

I don't read many blogs in general, but I read Glamour's dating blog, Single-ish, which I sometimes link to on here. And I follow tweets from a blogger, who calls himself Single City Guy. At the moment, all three dating bloggers--Erin from Single-ish, John from Single-ish, and Single City Guy are ALL in committed r'ships! The two Single-ish peeps have yet to make their r'ships official, but it seems they're well on their way. And SCG made it official recently.

Hate to sound like a broken record, but...

When. Is. My. Turn?

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From Fadeaway To Phone-A-Friend

Last Thursday, I had my friend and her dog over for a playdate and suddenly, at 10pm, my phone rang. I went over to see who it was and the name that popped up on the screen was...

Mussel Man! WTF!

I'd last heard from him 3 weeks prior, in the form of a text after our 2nd date. A week and a half after that, I sent him my "closure email," which strangely remained unanswered. Until now.

I was so stunned (plus, I had guests) that I couldn't bring myself to answer the call. And, honestly, my first thought was that he'd misdialed! I mean, what could he want to talk to me about 2 weeks after I sent him a "thanks but no thanks" email? Especially when he hadn't even called me once during the time we were actually going on dates.

When I didn't hear the little "ding" that signals a voicemail message, I thought my suspicion was confirmed. Until...a few minutes later... DING! I had to immediately listen to what seemed to be the longest voicemail I've ever gotten.

It was, indeed, a looooong, rambling, but polite message, basically saying he agreed with everything I'd said in my email--that he's sorry he hadn't responded to my email sooner, but he agrees that we probably weren't going to work out, it was nice getting to know me, he'd be happy to keep me in mind for single guys he knows, and he'd like to stay friends. Oh, and also, that I should call him back. HUH? 

I listened to it again a few days later just to be sure I heard him right. And I did. It wasn't just one of those things you say and don't mean b/c he even offered me an out, saying if I didn't want to call him back, that would be okay too--but he'd prefer to "say all of this" (meaning everything I'd said in my email and everything he'd just said in his voicemail) to me over the phone. So...really? He wants me to call him back so we can already say everything we've both already said (which was already awkward to begin with)? I don't understand. 

I haven't called yet (obvs) and I'm not in a rush to, since clearly he was in no rush to respond to me. But every time I think about it, I'm confused. Why draw this out even longer? Aren't guys the ones who like to do things over text or email and then run away? Why the sudden desire for chit chat?

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Too Little, Too Late? Or Better Late Than Never?

About a month ago, Chemistry.com had a free weekend. I'd never tried that site before, so I decided to give it a shot. It's a bit like eHarms, where they deliver your matches to you (you can't just browse) and there are a bunch of BS steps to get through before you can just write a normal email. 

I believe I only got through all the steps with one guy, and he quickly emailed me his real contact information before the clock turned midnight and we lost all free communication privileges. I emailed him soon after that, and never heard back. No biggie. 

I hadn't even remembered him until I got an email from him this morning. It was a reply to the email I sent well over a month ago and only said, "Hey there, Just found this email...How was your weekend?" Oh, and he attached a photo as a reminder.

Anyway, what? He just found the email? What does that even mean? How do you give your email address to someone and then not check email for over a month? 

Do I bother responding?

Vote in the comments:

a) Too little, too late. Ignore him.

b) Better late than never. Write back and see what he was to say.

Props Rock

I'm always whining about how hard it is to meet someone organically (ie. not online) in NYC. Turns out, all you need is a prop. (And a guy with the balls to start a conversation about said prop.)

This is why my dog is the best wingpuppy ever. She's an instant conversation starter. A guy could see me walking down the street with no dog and think I'm the hottest woman he's ever laid eyes on--but how's he going to approach me? It's too hard. When I'm walking my dog, all he has to do is start petting her, ask me what kind of dog she is, and--BOOM--instant ice breaker. 

What works just as well as a dog, I found out Wed night, is a ginormous bag of Post-Its. I just happened to have one with me as I got on the subway and took a seat. At the next stop, a cute (but very young looking) redhead guy (my fave) hops on the train w/ his friend. Almost immediately, he said, "That's a big bag of Post-Its you have!" Not the most charming or original line, but it worked. We had a jokey conversation in which I offered him some Post-Its and he declined, but he recommended using them as stocking stuffers come Christmas, since there were so many in the bag that I'll surely have leftovers in December. Then, just as quickly as he got on, he got off the train at the next stop. Booooo! Had I been given a tiny bit more time, I might have written my number on a Post-It for him. But, alas, I don't move quickly enough. 

In a similar situation (that same night, ironically), I was at a carnival-type event and won a big stuffed dog. After carrying it around for a while, I decided it was squishy enough to shove in my bag. No sooner did I shove it, than a guy sits down next to me and says, "I saw you stuff that horse into your bag." (He saw it from afar--mistaken animal identity.) Anyway, thus another prop-based conversation starter. 

It's hard to arm yourself with a huge bag of Post-Its or a stuffed dog at all times, but I definitely used to wear college attire to the gym (once upon a time when I was a gym-goer) so guys could feel free to start a conversation by saying, "I went there too!" or "Go Wildcats!" (I just made that up so as not to identify my alma mater--but you get the point.) It didn't work too often at the gym, but it doesn't hurt to give the boys some help, since they definitely seem to need it. 

Anyway, calling all boys--you don't need a fancy shmancy, overly clever line. Just comment (kindly) or ask a question about something she's carrying or wearing or reading or walking on a leash. She'll be impressed that you took the initiative.

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More Hate For J-Date

Well, if I was ever planning to entertain the idea of going back on Jdate in the near (or distant) future, I was just reminded how horrible an idea that would be. 

I have been off of Jdate (profile removed, not signing on at all) for a few weeks now, and there was one jdater left standing, who I'd exchanged contact info with right before I abandoned ship. He had sent me a flirt (something about me being adorable), and I'd emailed him back. Once we progressed to actual IMs, I found out he went to my alma mater (a year younger than me), has a dog, and is seemingly successful in his career. Not a bad combo. The red flag? After the initial flirt, he never initiated contact. If IMmed him, he responded enthusiastically, suggesting we take our dogs to the dog park together, offering an invitation to his improv showcase (I couldn't go), etc. But he didn't initiate.

Last week, we made "tenative" plans to hang out tonight. Of course, as the men I date tend to do, he threw it to me to pick a venue. When I threw it right back to him, he narrowed it down to a neighborhood (not the one I live or work in, mind you), but not a specific location. Once we said our adieus, I decided that it was his turn to initiate--I was done. That was a week ago. Never heard from him again.

So today, before I left for lunch, I IMmed him and asked if he was still planning on meeting me tonight. His response? 

hi .. oh crap it slipped my mind -- ive been running around like crazy every day with work stuff and class .. :(

Then...

i apologize! its no excuse though on my part.

Um, okay. But that's certainly far from, "Let me make it up to you and clear my schedule" or "I'm a jerk--I will take you to an amazing dinner next week--when are you free?" Not only did he fail to come up with a suitable excuse--he said what he's actually doing tonight is NOTHING, b/c "he's had plans for 14 out of the last 14 days and is exhausted." He actually thought that made things better b/c he didn't bail on me for other plans. Oh yeah, makes me feel great that you'd rather do nothing than meet me. So romantic. 

He finally offered to meet up with me "early evening" if I was "willing to come to Brooklyn." Uh, no. You flaked on me and I'm going to trek to another borough for the privilege of being in your presence? I think not. Jerk.

I hate to diss my own people--and I know there are jerks of all races and religions--but WTF is wrong w/ the dudes on Jdate? They do not know how to treat a lady, make a good impression, plan a date, or take initiative. Maybe someone needs to start teaching these things in Hebrew school. 

Here Comes The Sun

Yay for the first sunny/pleasant weather weekend in a while for us NYCers! I spent the better part of both Saturday and Sunday in the park with my dog--she was one tired (but happy!) pup last night. 

I chatted with lots of people along the way, but only one potential boy, who I'll now add to the list of doggie daddies I'm stalking. (Current tally=4.) After he and I finished chatting, our dogs said goodbye to each other, and we parted ways, an old lady came up behind me with two dogs of her own.

"You know, that's the best way to meet somebody!" she said. I giggled, since that's what I've been saying and hoping practically since the day I got my dog! 

"Is it?" I asked. 

"Absolutely!" she said, very enthusiastically. "The cutest guys come up to you when you have a dog!" 

I laughed and said, "Well, I'm hoping she'll help me find a guy this summer." 

"Oh, she will," said the woman, very convincingly.  

Well, here's hoping this lady knows what she's talkin' 'bout. My dog is definitely the best conversation starter I've ever seen. I just continue to struggle with how to move from a 5-minute conversation on the street to any sort of friendship, never mind a relationship. But I'm hoping to figure it out. Offering contact info right away somehow seems desperate, so I still think repeated exposure is key. It's just tough to know if you'll ever see the same person twice in this ginormous city. 

The puppy method is still a work in progress, obvs. All suggestions welcome. 

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Miss Write (And Google) Save The Day!

Got an email today that made me feel like I'm actually doing a service with all my venting on this blog! Read the lovely note below from a brand new Miss Write reader:

Dear Ms. Write,

This may be dredging up more ancient history than you can handle, but
I was just on a date with your Mr. Wrong #14.  Seriously, take out the
rain and the car, and you have a repeat episode.  And the last name
thing!  He seemed so nice and genuine, but there was just something
out of key, so I came home and googled the "info" I have, and found
your blog.  I now know how to respond if he calls me back in two days!

So thanks for sharing, it's helped another nice girl out.

Hang in there, this city is full of 4 million men...there has got to
be a few good ones left.

Thank goodness for Google! So glad that, thanks to my traumatizing experience, this reader was able to find out the real deal before she subjected herself to a second date with The Disappearing Perv (and perhaps being abandoned in front of a restaurant! Or worse!). If only there was a way to warn daters about all the other shady Mr. Wrongs I've been out with...

Anyway, as I told this Savvy Single in my response email, I met The Brit right after I went out with this d-bag, so maybe fun times are in the cards for her too. I hope so! If not, she now has somewhere to vent about her dating experiences (on here in the comments!). 

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So Much For Closure

 As I've said, even though Mussel Man and I did not have chemistry, I thought he was a very nice guy. He seemed to have gotten the message that I wasn't super keen on another date when I responded to his post-date text (which said he hoped I enjoyed our date) rather neutrally (I thanked him for dinner and wished him a good night). I haven't heard from him since then, which is fine. Fadeaways are par for the course in NYC dating.

But I didn't want him to think I hated him or anything was wrong with him or to feel rejected for any reason other than that elusive chemistry thing. And, since he was a set-up, there was slightly more incentive to end things with proper closure. 

So, Sunday night, I wrote this email and sent it. I was pretty satisfied with it and, even though oftentimes I personally would rather hear nothing from a guy than hear a direct rejection, any time I've ever sent an email of this sort, it has always been well-received. Here it is: 

Hi Mussel Man,

Just wanted to touch base. I guess our set-up unfortunately didn't result in the type of romantic connection you hope to have at the beginning of a relationship, but I did want to say thanks so much for the two dinners and that I think you're a really nice, great guy. I'm happy to stay friends, if that's okay with you. And I would highly recommend you to any of my single friends :)

Hope all's well, 

Miss Write

And I got no response. Like I said, any time I've sent an email like this, I've almost always gotten a "thanks for being honest" or "I appreciate you letting me know" or something to that effect. But I got nothing from Mussel Man. I hope my email didn't make him feel worse or somehow offend him. 

Should I have left well enough alone and just let him fade away?

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The Sounds Of Silence

It's been a week since my date with Mussel Man and I haven't heard a peep from him since his post-date text. (Which I replied lukewarmly to, I admit.) And I also haven't heard from Zoolander (prob b/c I also replied lukewarmly to his invitation for drinks on Saturday). 

Well, what can I say? Lukewarm feelings inspire lukewarm responses. I'm not bummed that they both seem to have gotten the hint. I wasn't going to ride off into the sunset with either of them. I would like Mussel Man to know that I think he's a good guy and a gentleman--just no chemistry. But I'm not sure it's worth reaching out just to let him know that. Is it?

Even though I'm still feeling hopeful and positive about things to come when the weather gets nicer, I'm still a little bummed to have zero prospects at the moment and no boy contact. Especially when a whole bunch of girls I know who've been perpetually single like I have suddenly seem to have landed in relationships. I wouldn't say I'm so much jealous as just back to the "musical chairs" feeling like everyone's found their seat and I'm the one left standing alone every time the music stops. It's gotta be my turn at some point.

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Get A Plan, Man

I am itching to abandon the world of internet dating (in favor of meeting guys through my matchmaking puppy), but there's a new site on the horizon and I might just give it a whirl. Howaboutwe.com does away with picking a potential mate based on religion, personality tests or outdated photos and claims to put the "date" back in "dating." 

The idea is to propose dates you'd like to go on, for example: "How about we get coffee and play scrabble at a cafe?" Or "How about we build a snowman in Central Park?" I might propose something like, "How about we take our dogs for a run?" Or "How about we play a tennis match and make non-monetary bets on who will win?" 

Once you enter your date ideas, they're sent to people who might enjoy them (based on questions they answered when they joined) and you get other people's dates delivered to you. (No browsing for babes on this site.) At least this would solve the problem of me having to pick a venue for every guy who is incapable of doing so! The site makes them pick a venue as soon as they sign up!

Howaboutwe.com launches in NYC in March, but if you sign up before the official launch, you get a free 3-month membership. (I don't think it'll be too pricey after the launch, though--at least not compared to the rip-off prices of Jdate, Match and eHarms.) What think? Is this a better way to screen your potential mate? Would you try it?

Or, more importantly, what would be your date idea??

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If Only Nice Was Enough...

As promised, I'm recapping my second date with Mussel Man, which took place Wednesday night. But I really just don't have much to say.

It was nice. He's nice. But, as I said after our last date, nice doesn't mean things in common, chemistry, excitement or any of the other things you hope to have when you start dating someone.

He took me to a nice place (although I've chosen the venues for both of our dates now), spent a good amount of money and paid the bill (ahem, listen up, Zoolander!), kept the conversation flowing, and even walked me home. Unfortunately, I did not really want him to touch me or kiss me and, fortunately, he didn't do either one (except for a hug goodbye at the front door of my building).

As I mentioned, he sent a post-date text to let me know he got home safely and also added that he hopes I enjoyed our date. Eek. How to respond to that? It's not that the date was unpleasant at all--but I'm guessing he was expecting a reassuring/enthusiastic/encouraging response and I just couldn't bring myself to give him false hope. I wrote back that I was glad he got home safely and I thanked him again for dinner and said, "have a good night."

I haven't heard from him since, but he did wait quite a few days before he contacted me after our last date, so I'm not sure this means he's giving up. But, when you first meet someone, you hope that there's excitement and interest and a desire to get to know each other better and to see each other again ASAP. We obviously don't have that if our first and second dates were a month apart, with zero phone conversation in between, and now he hasn't been in touch since Wednesday and I haven't really been anxious to hear from him.

If I had the ability to force chemistry, I would do it with him b/c I think he's a good guy who'd prob make a kind, considerate, attentive bf. But if it's not there, it's not there. Can't help it :(

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Not Model Behavior

I'm blogging backwards for a minute for the sake of keeping things interesting. I did have a date w/ Mussel Man on Wed night, but first I'm going to tell the tale of my Thursday night date with Mr. Wrong #58, a guy I'll call Zoolander.

Zoolander is from jdate and is totally tall and very good looking. Just based on looks, I wouldn't mind making out with him. He has a bit of a cocky swagger to his voice/tone, but I've def met guys who have the sorta "I'm the authority on everything" syndrome way worse than this dude. It was there, but he wasn't hitting you over the head with it. I could deal.

We got off to an okay conversation over drinks when--about 20 minutes into the date--he accidentally divulged a pretty serious problem from his past that he says he's completely over now, but it just really is not something you want to find out about a dude right off the bat! After the date, I was discussing the situation with a friend and I couldn't decide what the right approach would be if you have dark secrets from your past. On the one hand, it's good to be honest up front--and I always say that I'm thankful for guys who weed themselves out without me having to do any digging/research. On the other hand, if this is truly in his past, he might have wanted me to form an opinion about him independent of his issue so that if/when we got to a point where he felt comfortable opening up to me, maybe it wouldn't have clouded my already-formed opinion of him as much as it did 20 minutes into date #1.

Anyway, there wasn't much I could do--it's not like I was going to walk out on him. So I just tried to put it out of my head and continue the date. Rest of drinks went fine. Not the best conversation, but certainly not the worst. He was very complimentary--he said he liked my pictures online, but I'm even prettier in person--stuff like that.

There were a few other minor turnoffs to come. He's not the most academic person ever (to say the least), he seems to have some jealousy/inferority issues with his siblings. And when he looked at the check and put down money, the waiter asked if he needed change, and he just shrugged and said "I don't know." Uh, what? You don't know if you need change or not? Very weird. (The waiter ended up bringing back change anyway.)

Throughout drinks he kept saying he was hungry. There was food at the venue, but he's apparently a very picky eater (also a bit of a red flag) and didn't want anything on that menu. Ok, whatevs. So when we left, he said he really needed to get food and asked if I wanted to grab a bite with him. To tell the truth, I would prob rather have gone home to my puppy, but he said he was going to just grab something quick and I decided a free dinner never hurt me before.

UNTIL...

He took me to a food court. I mean, there's nothing wrong w/ a food court for lunch when you need a quick break from your work day. But we're in the middle of NYC and the only quick dinner he could think of was the food court? Oooookay. Well, food is food. So we decided which place to order from...and it was all downhill from there. He ordered right away (uh, ever heard of ladies first??) and headed straight to the cashier before I placed my order. The cashier saw me ordering and looked over to see what I was getting so she could include it in the total. (Good woman.) But Zoolander just summarized his order, paid for what he got, and then put his wallet away!! I literally stood there with my mouth open, still thinking maybe he wanted to pay for mine with a different credit card or there was some other weird reason he would ASK ME to have dinner and expect me to pay for my own freakin' $10 food court meal! But, nope. He got out of the way to let me pay for my own, and then found us seats.

Obvs I was pissed and confused from here on out, so I wasn't really paying attention to anything he was saying b/c I didn't care. Note to dudes: Not paying for a date sends a loud and clear message that you're NOT INTERESTED. So if you ARE interested, don't be a cheapskate! He could have left it at drinks and things would've been fine!

I scarfed down my food as quickly as possible and ended up saying I was full halfway through so I could get home to my dog. I couldn't believe I left her alone to go on that sad excuse for a dinner date!

Zoolander walked me to the subway, kissed me on the cheek, and gave me a hug with a moan. You know the kind I'm talking about? Like, when you're hooking up and hugging and you moan as a sign of pleasure. Yeah, that kind of moan. WTF. Anyway, he did not say ANYTHING so I just said "thanks for drinks" (which he shockingly DID pay for) and "speak to you soon." No idea why I said that--but you guys who say that all the time and don't mean it know exactly what I'm talking about.

I got home, apologized to my dog and took her for a walk. When I got back to my apartment, I had a text from him. "Can't believe how fast I got home! Have a restful night ;)" Apparently, a guy texting you to let you know he got home okay (not that you asked) is a way of showing interest. Mussel Man actually did the same thing the night before.

But, again, I ask you--if you're interested in a girl, how do you freaking ask her to dinner and make her shell out her own 10 bucks for a food court meal?!?!

I had mentioned to him that I was having a party Friday night (he did NOT land an invite!), so he texted me Saturday afternoon to ask how the party went. I rolled my eyes. I mean, again, prob would not mind making out w/ this dude as he's hot and I have not made out in a sadly long time. But do I need to be the one to teach him the basics of Dating 101?

I waited a few hours, and wrote back that I had a great time, thanks. Of course, a minute later, he called. Another new boy move. This one, as you might recall, was introduced to me by Pinocchio, when I texted him and he, knowing my phone was IN MY HAND, seized the opportunity to force me into a phone conversation. I wasn't giving in this time. I let it go to voicemail. His message said that he was glad I had fun at my party and he was going to be in the city that night and wanted to know what I was up to and if I wanted to get a drink or something. Now, does this mean he wants to take me out for a drink, or that he just wants company to sit next to him and pay their own way?? Regardless, I was not game.

1. He does not get a Saturday night after that ridic display of poor date behavior.

2. He DEF does not get a Saturday night requested on that same Saturday afternoon!

3. He said in the voicemail that he was going to dinner w/ a friend and wanted to meet up for drinks afterwards. Sorry, dude. I'm not doing a late night drink with a potential booty call attached. You can invite me to dinner like a real man if you are interested in dating me. I'm not your dessert.

I texted him that I already had plans (not true) and to enjoy his dinner. He wrote back, "Will do, thanks. You too!" And that was it. Guessing I'll hear from him again. I'll have to play it by ear. Maybe he's clueless and really does need Dating 101. But, again, do I need to be his professor? 

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Most Thoughtful Valentine!

I had no hopes of getting showered with Valentine's Day love this year, and I was pretty okay with it. (Although I did get that "happy Valentine's Day" text from Mussel Man, which was sweet.)

But, when I got home from work yesterday, I had a puffy envelope in my mailbox with heart stickers all over it. How fun! It was from my friend (who I met on the street when we were walking our dogs! More proof that dogs improve social lives!). I opened it up, and pulled out a heart-shaped shortbread cookie. Yummers. Then I reached in to make sure I hadn't missed a card or anything, and I pulled out...

Wait for it...

A MIX CD!!!

When was the last time someone made you a mix CD?! It has to be one of the most thoughtful gifts and, in this age of iPods and mp3s, no one makes them anymore! 

This one had on the cover a romantic illustration of what seems like a Victorian couple at a masquerade ball. Inside, she hand wrote the songs, along with more heart stickers and signed xoxo from her and her puppy. Honestly, so so sweet. Here is the playlist for those of you who want to steal her awesome idea and surprise your single friends with some belated Vday love. 

1. Tired Of Being Alone-Al Green

2. Magic Man-Heart

3. Knock Me A Kiss-Louis Jordan

4. Steal My Kisses-Ben Harper (love this song!)

5. When I'm 64-The Beatles

6. Where Is The Love?-Black Eyed Peas

7. Heard It Through The Grapevine-Marvin Gaye

8. Devil In Disguise-Elvis Presley

9. I Don't Want To Get Over You-Magnetic Fields

10. Single Ladies-Beyonce (love!)

11. Lonely Avenue-Ray Charles

12. All I Want Is You-U2

13. Crazy-Patsy Cline

14. The Tracks of My Tears-Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

15. So Lonely-AM

16. Saturday Night-Frank Sinatra

17. Caring Is Creepy-The Shins

18. What I Want-Matty Charles & The Valentines

19. Lonesome Town-Ricky Nelson

20. Place To Be-Nick Drake

21. Float On-Modest Mouse

22. Can't Help Falling In Love-Elvis Presley

23. I Will-The Beatles

What songs would you add??

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Speed DUD-ing

Ladies and Gentlemen (and especially Steve Ward of VH1's Tough Love, who hosted the horrendous event I attended this weekend)... I present... 

How To Guarantee Your Speed Dating Event Will Be A Complete and Utter Sh-t Show

1. Do not keep a tally of the numbers of women and men who register, so you'll end up with 100 women and 20 men (the latter group being dudes you dragged in off the street and begged to participate).

2. Do not specify an age range, so you end up with tons of young, hot women and groups of balding, awkward dudes who are probably too old for my dad's weekly poker game.

3. Keep the lights off and the music POUNDING so no one can see or hear each other. 

4. Due to the 100:20 female:male ratio, set up group dates like on The Bachelor so 5-6 women need to compete with each other while talking to one guy for 3 minutes (with music blasting, in the dark). 

5. Do not tell the men to rotate to the left or the right but, rather, just tell them to "get up and find another empty chair" when the 3-minute buzzer goes off, so that there is utter chaos, no order, nobody knows where they've been or where they're headed, and everyone gives up and goes to the bar after 3 rounds or so.

6. Do not have any organized way to determine mutual interest except for pens and paper on the table, with instructions to "ask for a number if you like someone." Right. If these guys had the balls to ask for phone numbers, they might not be speed dating in the first place. 

Honestly, this was the sorriest excuse for a speed dating event I've ever witnessed or even heard about. Steve Ward and his mom should be embarrassed to have shown their faces, never mind had their names and their brand associated with it. I didn't pay for my ticket b/c it was a birthday gift, but I think every single person in attendance would have been completely justified if they asked for a refund. 

This event was NOT representative of most speed dating events. Although, the female:male ratio is always skewed. Note to the dudes--you may think speed dating is uncool or not macho or whatever--but the odds are SO in your favor!! I wish I could find a singles event where the odds are that skewed in favor of the ladies. I'd be there in a heartbeat!!

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Birthday Tally

On my birthday, I got:

- a "happy birthday" IM from Stage Five Clinger. I had assumed he'd eventually unfriend me on FB but, on the contrary, he felt the need to IM me some birthday wishes. Luckily, after a few minutes, he insisted he "didn't want to be a bother" and bid me adieu. Maybe he read my blog rants about his overeagerness.

- a "happy valentine's day" (with a smiley face) text from Mussel Man (I don't think he realized it was also my bday). I'm supposed to have dinner with him tomorrow night. (He had requested Saturday night, but I was away for the weekend--perfect excuse!)

- a "happy birthday" email from Vegas, reminding me that he hasn't heard from me in a while and letting me know he'd love to catch up sometime if I'm interested. I'm not. But I'll write him back to thank him at some point before my next birthday.

- a "belated happy birthday" IM from The Foreigner on the day after my birthday. All I wrote back was "thank you!" (I didn't really want to start a conversation) and he didn't write any more after that. 

- an email from The Berliner, wishing me a "most wonderful and happy birthday filled with lots of festivity" and also a "happy valentine's day" with a reminder that, if he was in NYC, he would have "at least tried to ask me out." 

All in all, a good showing.

I know you're all waiting for the speeddating summary--and it's a doozy. But it will have to wait until I have a bit more time to devote to writing it. Until then...

I hope everyone had a happy Valentine's day--even if your Valentine was your pup, like mine was! :)

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Puppy Hater!

I just got the BEST email on jdate! (And by "best," I mean most f-ed up, of course.)

Backstory: I haven't received a response to any email I've sent out on jdate in weeks. (I'll admit--I haven't sent many.) I've basically given up on that site. But since I'm still paying for it, I've resorted to sending "flirts" (pre-written one-liners) every once in a while to anyone who looks decent, not even caring if I get a response or not (and, actually, not even remembering who I'm sending these to.) I guess I sent one to a 38-yr-old in CT. Not sure what I was thinking when I did that. It said something like, "I think we have a lot in common. Let me know if you agree." (I think he plays tennis or something.) Anyway, I got this response from him this morning. Classic!

Yes for sure except I generally don't date women with dogs anymore. Dogs are wonderful pets. I grew up with them and love animals, except that what I've found is that they're disruptive during intimacy (licking bodyparts or driving their snoots into you at the worst possible moments), eating (constant begging or hovering with a lot of panting), sleeping (sudden barks or an allowance of them to be in the same bed during sleep) and constantly need attention (generally hard to take vacations b/c owners don't like to leave their pet for very long without them worrying a lot while on the vacation)..like an infant..except they're not an infant/human..they're a dog..which many women mistake for a human and treat them like a human..actually, they treat them far better than a human/man..and i'm just not willing to go through the potential annoyance and frustration of that experience which i have experienced well more than on one occasion. actually this situation that i described is far more pervasive than people acknowledge. certainly i'm not saying this is you or your dog b/c i don't know either of you, however, if you're dog is well disciplined, and doesn't beg, jump, scratch, nip, disrupt during eating, sleeping, intimacy, etc. than i'd love to get to know you and am completely open to any possibility. =)
i just thought i should be truthful about how i feel about this.

WOW. Someone has issues. Once again, my puppy helps my dating life. Thanks for weeding out the weirdos, baby girl. This guy is obvs not a nurturing, paternal or easygoing person. How great to find that out from his very first (and, therefore, last!) email. I wonder who this dude has dated! Jeez.

Sidenote: I have NOT hooked up since I got my dog and I'm sure it will be a comical event when it happens. (I did hook up with The Oompa with his dog in the bed. It weirded me out at first, but I forgot about her pretty quickly.) 

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I'm Old

I just finished a conversation with a friend about age discrimination in dating, and now a 49-yr-old guy is sending me an IM on jdate. Perfect proof of my point. I now apparently need to start dating 50-yr-olds b/c they're the only guys who'll date women over 29. 

My birthday is this weekend. I'm turning 32. I don't think that's old. I certainly don't FEEL old. And I'm pretty sure I don't look old b/c any time in the past 3 years when I've ever made anybody guess my age, the guess is always 26. ALWAYS. Never 25 or 27. Every single person guesses 26. And I'll gladly take it. 

But, really, I'm not 26. And, to guys, THAT'S what counts. 

I've mentioned on here before that most guys on jdate between the ages of 27 and 45 say on their profiles that their upper limit for women they date is 29. The oldest some will go is 31. And, starting Sunday, I place out of that bracket. I presume it's b/c my perceived ability to have a child plummets at age 30. And, as I've been lectured many times--and a few times this week alone--once I turn 35, any pregnancy becomes "high risk." Do I need this pressure weighing on me when I'm trying to meet a dude? No, I don't. But it's there nonetheless. And when guys ask me how old I am (which is rude, btw, but often done), and I tell them, and they promptly walk away (it has happened! multiple times!), I'm again reminded that not only is my fertility declining, but so is my ability land a sperm donor. 

As a teaser for posts next week, I'll tell you that, in honor of my birthday, one of my friends is taking me speeddating. I've speeddated before--but, oddly, not since I started writing this blog! So that should be an interesting post for you curious-about-the-single-life readers. BUT--I'm going to try to make a strong effort not to reveal to fellow speeddaters that it's my birthday.

Normally, I love telling people it's my birthday b/c I love attention. But I fear that if I use that as a conversation starter this weekend, the follow-up question will inevitably be "how old are you turning?" and then the entire room of speeddaters will run with fear from the scary cougar in the room. 

If I do slip and start talking about my birthday, I'll swear I'm turning 29. 

Happy birthday to me.  

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Spring Fever

I am so looking forward to Spring, Summer and Fall with my puppy! We haven't met too many people on our walks these days because it's freeeeeezing outside, and everyone just takes their dogs for the quickest walk possible and rushes them back into warmth. But on the few occasions we are outside for a stroll, it reminds me how awesomely friendly my dog is and what a great wingpuppy I have!!

Today, we were walking to Petco b/c she needed her nails cut really badly (I have the scars to prove it). On the way, she ran right up to a giant, cuddly Bernese Mountain dog who could probably have eaten her for lunch. Luckily, she is fearless and loves the biggest dogs, which usually belong to the hottest dudes. This one was a perfect example.

The dog was super sweet and the dog's dad was even sweeter. He was clearly interested in chatting b/c he stopped for quite a while, asked if we lived in the area, and if we walk there often, and whether we go to the dog park nearby. He said they're at the park all the time, and he hopes to see us there. I totally chickened out on my new rule that I need to "seize the moment" and ask dog dudes for their digits. But it's hard when it's one random meeting on the street. I think it'd be a million times more natural if it was at least the SECOND meeting!

But I did summon up the courage to ask for his name (and his dog's name, obvs), now I have three dogs and their dads to be on the lookout for once the weather gets nicer and everyone is out and about. And those are just ones we've met over the past Fall and Winter. Imagine a whole March through October of doggie street socializing!! I can't wait!!

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Puppy Playtime!!

The Clinger case is closed, and I've never been so happy to have zero plans after work! Can't wait to run home and cuddle w/ my doggie!

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Can I Bail?

I spoke with Stage Five Clinger on the phone tonight and I'm 1000% sure I don't want to date him, meet him or insinuate that I'm interested him in ANY way.

I'll tell you the story in another post, but for now: Can I bail?? Remember that dude who texted me at 8am after our phone conversation to say he "didn't feel a phone connection?" On one hand, I was kinda insulted and thought he was too quick to judge. On the other hand, I think the conversation I just had was 80 million times more painful than that conversation.

Going out with Stage Five Clinger would DEFINITELY break the puppy rule. He's NOT worth spending time away from my dog.

The things making me feel like I can't bail are:

1. This is a set-up. There are people I know (and he knows) with a vested interest in this. 

2. Aside from the set-up connection, we have 12 friends in common on Facebook. They don't know about the set-up, but with so many mutual friends, who knows if I'd ever run into him another time.

3. I'm too freakin' nice.

But still--can I bail?? (And, if so, HOW?!)